Wednesday, January 6, 2016

Movie Review-Pan

I wanted to like this movie. Truly, I did. However, the best word I can come up with to describe it in a positive light is "interesting." Not like the, "Oh, that's interesting. I'd like to hear more about that," but the quavering "interesting" you muster through a gritted teeth smile when your kindergartner shows you their clay model that accidentally got sat on by the teacher and cracked in a million places upon being fired.

The top ten reasons I didn't like this movie (in no particular order):

10. The references to Jesus Christ were odd and insincere. Peter's mother's name is Mary and he is called the Messiah.

9. Peter is also called the chosen one and is questioning whether he is the fulfillment of a prophecy from long ago. Sound familiar? Yeah, I'm thinking of Harry Potter here.

8. Peter is part human and part some other species. Because of this, he's dyslexic and can read another language without ever having learned it. Sound familiar? Yep, Percy Jackson.

7. Flying ships and someone searching for that magical thing that will make them live forever. Stardust.

6. The river holds memories and if you dunk your head under, you can see the memories of the past. Hold your breath. This is sort of like the pensieve in Harry Potter. Is there nothing original in this movie?

5. I didn't like the way the nuns were portrayed.

4. James Hook is like a hammy cross between a cowboy and a wannabe Aussie who couldn't spit out any kind of accent but still wanted to talk funny. I cringed every time he spoke.

3. The fairies live in a hidden kingdom and yet they're powerful enough to take down Blackbeard in about 5 seconds. Um, not buying it.

2. The tribal people must have all gathered together from several different earthly continents. And how is it they ended up with such a white princess?

1. Blackbeard reminded me of Robert De Niro from Stardust, Dustin Hoffman from Hook, and Davy Jones from Pirates of the Caribbean. My friends, this was not a good combination for me.

I guess there are eleven reasons. I hated the weird singing of a Nirvana song when Peter got to Neverland. And there was no discussion of time travel even though people were supposedly there from a wide range of eras. I'm pretty sure they put that bit in there so they could include the weird Nirvana singing even though Peter came from the World War II era.

Perhaps interesting isn't quite right. I think bizarre is more suiting now that I think about it.

Watch it if you want to waste a couple hours of your life.

You're welcome.

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